I Want to Dance with You

Excuse me? What? No really, Laverne and I decided that since we have each other and we still don't know exactly how to meet "new opportunities" without waiting around for friends, friends of friends, family members, etc., to set us up, we would go to the...wait for it...yes...the Adult Singles Church Dance. Whew! Please. You can stop laughing now. NO really stop laughing.

We actually went to two different dances on the same night (what can I say, we really get around). The first one was at a church building that was advertised as a Mid-Singles event (ages 28-45). We decided if there were only four cars in the parking lot that we would turn around and leave. However, when we drove up, the parking lot was full! What a surprise, then oh no, the girls getting out of their cars had dresses on. Laverne and I looked good (we coordinated nicely), but we did not have a dress on. We then saw people in jeans, shorts, etc. (and yes, one dress/white tennis shoe combo). Okay, one hurdle down. We start making our way inside and all those feelings of being 14 and going to your first church dance came rushing back. Oh, my goodness, I may dance with a boy. I hope that someone asks me to dance. You remember those days, right? Only it somehow seems worse now that we are older.

We get inside and what can I say - the people there do not disappoint. They look like they are at a church dance. Every stereo type you would expect is efficiently grouped together in that gym. With strings of Christmas lights to set things off. Now, I know that I am not the most fashionable person, but socks with sandals and a skirt? And guys, please, I have two pieces of advice for you - breath mints and deodorant. Enough said. When you are dancing that close, smell is very important. Especially if you're going to talk to me.

The music was not that great. However, I will say this...guys are not as shy as they used to be. We got asked to dance. Every dance. In fact, my first dance was with a guy that was - dare I say - cute. He is my same age, divorced, no kids, owns his own business (can you say diamonds!), he smelled nice (yeah!), and seemed really nice. However, then the questions started: name, age, what ward are you in, how did you know about the dance, and my favorite one..."Are you going to have more kids? That's why I got divorced. My ex wouldn't have my kids." Okay. Seriously - did he just ask that question? Is this an appropriate question for someone you just met? Still, he was nice (enough) and one of the few people there who seemed okay.

Next dance. A guy asked me to dance and he could really swing. He flipped me all over the dance floor. Totally great dancer - other than that I can't really say much about him. Oh, by the way for slow dances today instead of doing the "bear hugging" thing and slowly turning in a circle - now the guy holds your right hand and has his other hand on your back. You have your hand on his shoulder. Pros of this new technique - it feels more grown up - because we now are all adults and it's kind of nice to hold someone's hand. Cons - your hand gets all sweaty - eww! gross! They guy can really pull you close even if you don't want him to. Again, eww! gross! I think I just reverted back to my 14 year old self. Another thing that I thought was interesting, guys ask you to fast dance as well as slow dance. This was fun!

For the rest of the time, I danced with a guy that barely spoke to me. I really think he got sucked into dancing with me because his friend had the hots for Laverne. A guy that I think still lived at home with his parents - who may or may not be able to get time off to go on vacation (with his parents) because the place he works may drop his contract and the guys he works with may or may not go on strike. If they do he would have to work seven days a week for 12 hours a day. He did however, ask me for my phone number. Also, did I mention he was shorter and considerably older than I am. Not that there is anything wrong with that but...

The conversation went something like this...may I have your contact information (said as he was pulling his cell phone out of his pocket). Umm...I just got divorced and I'm not sure that I am okay with that right now. Oh, okay no problem. Well, if I see you at another dance I will talk to you then. Oh? Sure. It was nice meeting you. I am thinking hurry, leave, run Shirley, run!

A guy that looked like he was older than the age limit and normal guy again. We had a code word - mustache. Which got called and we were off to the next dance.

The next dance was outside (it was a perfect night) and was touted for singles 31+. The plus is where it went wrong. We walked in and Laverne said to me I think I just saw my mom. Yes people there were guys that were as old as my parents and possibly my grandparents. I say kudos to you older people who want to meet people too! I, unfortunately, just aren't really interested in meeting you. I know, I know, that sounds totally rude ageism and everything. I don't have a problem with an older gentlemen, but WOW! Just keep reading and you will see why this is so scary.

My first dance was with a guy that had the same name as my...DAD and possibly was just as old! How can you have any kind of romantic feelings with a guy that has the same name as your dad. You just can't have passionate embraces or say anything sexy to your...DAD! You know you would be thinking about your DAD, am I right?

Next, I think the guy was my grandpa! He could move for an older guy though. He was very respectful and funny. I actually enjoyed this one. It reminded me of dancing with my grandpa. That generation is just so proper and nice. I had a dance that I will save until the end, why, because he, by far, was the winner of the night for many reasons, which you will see if you just keep reading.

Laverne got asked to dance and I was walking away to stand by myself and on the way a guy sort of came out of no where and asked me to dance. He was, dare I say it again, cute! Alright, I was thinking - where did he come from? He was slightly older, divorced, two kids (he has full time), a civil engineer and seemed totally fun and I hate to use the this word but "normal". He said that he had been divorced for a year. He was easy to talk to and didn't smell bad. Not a great dancer, but hey that's okay. He asked if he could dance with me again later, sure I replied.

Next was a guy named Marshall. Now to me Marshall is the guy from Alias. Kind of quirky, funny and not particularly good looking. He fits this description to a tee. He said that he just moved back from Alaska - I really like Alaska so we discussed fishing and stuff. He said that he was a pilot and owned his own company. I love fishing, I grew up fishing and it is one of my favorite memories of my childhood with my family. This caught the guy's attention and he said we should go fishing sometime. Yikes. I just didn't respond. I figured he'd get the hint. We finished dancing and he asked for my contact information. This must be the new way to ask for a phone number. I said that I wasn't ready for that, but thanks. Two reasons, first, he told me he came with his parents. What? This guy was probably in his 40s and he came with his parents. I almost asked him if they were watching us while we were dancing. I refrained. Second, I just really don't know if I am ready.

Another guy I can't really remember and then Cute guy again and we danced the last few dances together. He asked me for my contact information and surprisingly I agreed. He also asked for Laverne's information so I felt pretty safe giving it out. Also, since he lives far away from me, I thought it would be okay too, because with the distance thing we probably won't be seeing each other very often. All the things that went through my head. Here's the bad news. Neither Laverne nor I can remember his name. Oh, well.

Here is the best story of the night...and he was kind enough to provide the title to this blog post.

It's best to set this up - so here goes...He was tall, dark, and not so handsome, older (think 50s plus), he had a motorcycle leather jacket on and was dressed all in black. Laverne and I were walking to get a drink and he stepped up to me and said...I want to dance with you. Excuse me. I want to dance with you. Oh, okay I said. We start moving to the music (gratefully he has rhythm). Do you know the Golden Mattress? (I swear I am not making this up). What? Do you know the Golden Mattress? Um, no sir, I haven't ever heard of that before. I am totally thinking where is this conversation going? Well, he is my master - yes folks. You heard me. He said (because it needs to be repeated and let it just fill you up and settle in your brain). He is my master. Then he proceeded to tell me that the Golden Mattress has a Master named something that I couldn't understand. Sorry. It was a strange name and I really wish I could share it with you. Apparently they taught him all the mysteries of the universe. I thought wow that's deep. Oh my gosh! This is why these places are so scary. Would you like to ask me a question pertaining to the universe? Okay. Forgive me here, but I was totally drawing a blank? I couldn't decide if he was serious (but the look on his face was nothing but). I said - what do most people ask you? Well, what is the meaning of life? Okay, I said, what is the meaning of life. Well...it starts to get really strange now...the meaning of life (in case you were wondering) isn't the right question to ask...It's not why? The real question is what makes life meaningful? Okay. What makes life meaningful? More life. Creating more life. Okay. Not with you though, mister. I didn't say that, but I totally thought that. Are you feeling sorry for me yet. It gets better. Apparently, it's all about asking the right questions. I truly wish I had a recorder on me so I could have recorded the conversation, it was the most bizarre and strange conversation I have ever had. I tried to avoid talking to him the rest of the dance, but he just keep coming up with the oddest things. He asked me if his jacket intimidated me. What? No, I said. Good...it's just a mode of transportation.

With that I leave you pondering the mysteries of the universe. The real question, I would have liked to ask is why me? I guess this proves that someone up there totally has a sense of humor and lucky for me I can laugh at this entire experience. It really helps to have Laverne, I know that we both said that we wouldn't have gone without each other. I am truly thankful to have such an amazing friend to share this funny, trying time with. I will say this for the Singles Dance. I got asked for my contact information more tonight than in my early dating years. I also got asked to dance more tonight than ever before. Always good to look on the bright side.

Shirley.