Patrick and I have been spending a lot of time together. Most of our time together. Almost all of our time together. It's been good because I really feel like I am getting to know him and he is getting to know and see what my life is really like. Kids, carpools, cooking and cleaning.
After our trip together to visit his parents and my friends he went on a river rafting trip with a bunch of singles - girls and guys. I have to say that I wasn't really excited about this trip, but I knew how excited he was to do it and how it was a once in a lifetime opportunity. I don't want to be the jealous girlfriend and hope that I can keep my past from continuing to affect how I respond to people in the future. I was glad that Patrick got to go, but really wished I could have to. I do know that Patrick, so far, seems very trust worthy and honest. I appreciate these qualities so much about him. When we got home - he kept telling me how fun it was. He would also mention that he really wished I could have gone. It sounded like such a great trip. Then it happened...facebook pictures from the trip - nine really cute girls - all in bikini's and with bodies that I used to have (pre-children). Ahhh! I felt sick to my stomach. Not because anything happened with any of the girls and Patrick, but just because of my own mind, past experience and insecurities clouding my judgement.
I did have a conversation with Patrick about how I was feeling and he asked how he could help make it better for me. I really couldn't answer. I don't really know. I do know that I can't live my life like this worrying that bad things will happen - again. I really prayed for help because for two days my stomach hurt - sick pit and nothing else was helping. I have been feeling lately the - what now? We see each other every day. We have fun together. We clearly aren't dating anyone else. But where do we go from here? More of the same? Marriage? What? I guess I needed to be reassured of his feelings for me.
I have been thinking about "feelings" a lot lately. Trying to define in my head how I feel about him. When I talk about Love with friends everyone has a different take on what it is. I know that Love for me has changed from my twenties and high school days. I've told two different boys that I loved them and I did for different reasons. I would say in my twenties Love was more about feelings that anything else. Today, armed with more experience, pain, joy and fear, it seems to be more closely aligned with a definition I heard in Conference - it's a VERB - an action word. Something that you continue to choose and work at everyday.
When Patrick got back from his trip (he was gone for 10 days with no cell phone reception) I was totally nervous to see him. I don't know why, but I was scared. I wondered if his feelings for me had changed and vice versa. He came to visit me and as soon as I saw him again - I knew my feelings hadn't changed. Kissing after that many days apart was fantastic. I don't need to elaborate on that though. Let's just say - it was fun. We may have kissed for a long time that night. :)
A week after he got back we spent the next week completely together, temple trip, dinner out, our annual Moonlight Ride, a fireside, fireworks and took the kids to a movie. The Moonlight ride was so fun this year, great weather, fun friends, good food. Hopefully Laverne will update you about her experience - it was pretty funny. Let's just say - she is a much better woman than I. A small group of us ended up at Denny's at 3:00 a.m. and then a couple of the riders (Patrick included) spent the night at my house. We didn't get home until 4:30 a.m.
Sunday after the devotional and fireworks Patrick and I were watching a movie at my house and both of us fell asleep on the couch (no this is not code for making out - at least not this time). I don't know who woke up first, but it was 2:30 a.m. I was so tired. He was going to leave and had his hands full of stuff. We hugged and he gave me a good night kiss at the door. As he was pulling away he whispered I love you. It totally makes me smile thinking about it again. It was so cute. He is adorable. I don't know why, but I couldn't say it back to him. I froze, deer in the headlights. No words were coming out. I felt like it wasn't the right time. Something about him saying it and me saying it right back felt wrong. I did say thank you. Ugh! I bet he loved that. He left and I was standing there in the doorway watching him leave...well - his car wouldn't open. The automatic door locks didn't work. It is so funny. He has this big moment, that I make awkward with my response, and then he can't leave. He came in and fiddled with the key fob thing and fixed it. He didn't want to use the key to open the door because he was afraid the alarm would go off. Not good at 2:30 in the morning. I gave him a hug and a kiss at the door again. As I was hugging him I said - I just want you to remember that I said it first, but I hope you mean it. He responded with I am awake. I said, that's not what I meant. He said...I have my wits about me. I do mean it. I responded with - I love you too. Then as he was walking to his car to leave this time he said I love you again to me. It was a great night and totally perfect for the two of us. For some reason awkward moments abound when declaration are made. It was a great week and weekend. I REALLY LOVED IT! Yay!!!
Shirley
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment